What girls do the guys run off right after the first date?
columnistWhat to do when after the first meeting "did not work out"? This is not about a spontaneous date, which may not just work out just by accident: let's say people ended up in the same company, they seemed to like it, but after talking briefly, they realized that they were not interested in each other. And it was not about a terrible secret that suddenly came to light (maybe a million variants known from the television series) that broke all your plans. Our couple was going to “drink coffee” in the best possible way, it is obvious that both were preparing for the meeting. To the exterior in this case, claims should not be - we do not consider a blind date. Although how to say. If you have seen it so far only in a photo from the beach in Bali, surrounded by palm trees and tanned torsos, then there may be options. Now there is a minus outside the window, and she came in a thick down jacket, trimmed with the fur of some cruelly killed animal, her chest was unbuttoned, curled her hair,the make-up was sultry and put on her heels, which even Lady Gaga could not walk on. This may well be the first and last signal: you can probably meet a girl, but so that no one else sees you together.
Although many people are ready to close their eyes first: first, there is no taste, it is not deadly and can be softly adjusted afterwards (you may not have it either). By the way, the same applies to the style of wearing flashy and very expensive jewelry in addition to the situation with the reception of the English Queen or going to the opera house. If you go on a date with a karate diamond in your ears or a gold necklace presented by an ex-lover, keep in mind: your new acquaintance could have come by subway, not because his Ferrari is on maintenance.
But we will still proceed from the presumption: everything is okay with appearance, people gathered about one social and moral level, and the reason "it turned out to be an impassable idiot" is too banal to seriously discuss it. The fool of the fool sees from afar. If the cultural codes do not coincide so much that people can not agree and break off the hook at the first contact (say, he bouncers in the pub, she is a professor at the conservatory), this only speaks about their mutual inadequacy.You need to think about who you are going on a date with.
In short, it seemed everything was so good, but nevertheless, the girl, alas, did not call you back. What happened?
We are now considering an option when the gentleman behaved perfectly (we set up such a complex thought experiment). And what could strain him so much that he ran away without looking back?
There are many options. Well, for example, a commonplace: the whole evening the charmer talked only about herself, never asking her counterpart. You say this does not happen? And how! She told the whole biography, including my mother's jokes about how she sat on the pot, ending with the listing of victories on a personal front.
In addition to inconsolable classmates (“The fool, of course, was, but he seemed so beautiful and played the guitar great”), the tempted oligarch (“Who can resist when they give you a car)”, some thug (“A cool guy, I always carried the trunk with me, I was even afraid of it ”), a local priest (“ He molested, but I am a deeply religious believer ”), etc.
No, no, you are not affected by this enumeration, which, most likely, should be divided into 10, - in the end, it is even cute, such sincerity, immediacy, openness! But you were alarmed by this complete obsession with you, an endless monologue, an overwhelming sense of self-importance.Remember, we agreed that she is not stupid? And nothing vicious in the story, albeit a little more detailed than you would like, no. He can be funny, and somewhere even captivatingly sweet. Just a girl on the other does not have time, too much attention to yourself.
By the way, here it is still necessary to note: the story of the "former" is not so terrible, especially since many men instinctively talk to him, they want to understand the degree of unhappiness of a probable partner.
You never know what happened in the past, men, unlike women, are jealous of the present and future
But as soon as the mother “pops up in the conversation about“ about herself beloved ”(and she at such a young lady will come to life sooner or later) - write is gone. This is a diagnosis. A sexually mature woman should have a clear understanding: in our culture, even virtual mother-in-law is not remembered in vain, even if they are a copy of Mother Teresa. And dad is also not the best object: it is then that a person matures when he loses his parental care. You did not come to sculpt kulichiki in the sandbox? In general, this applies to best friends and girlfriends, and to any external authority. You are thus given to understand: there is someone more important.The exception is made by children - here, please, on health, let them tell everything: only a round idiot can hope for competition with a child in the heart of a woman. But this is different.
I must say that, arguing about the failed dates, we have to consider extreme cases, constantly exaggerating and appealing to one side. In life, this happens rarely. And yet let us clarify: men are extremely sensitive to the negligence of the weaker sex, if the fact that ladies consider themselves to be the center of the universe is striking at first sight.
However, the opposite situation of us, the peasants, worries. This is when for the whole evening you didn’t know anything about the object of desire, but you were scanned from the watch brand to the bank account. When a woman answers all personal questions by switching the conversation, creating an aura “too enchanted.” But you have accidentally found out where you studied, what kind of car you drive (even better when you reflexively wrinkled a nose: fu, it’s not beautiful at all), how much you get, who you live with, have you been abroad and how often Not for the purpose of even using your resource, but for information (as it were).
Feel like being interrogated by a woman you like, but you don’t know anyone
In short, any extremes, especially when the game is played with only one goal, do not facilitate further communication. And here it is necessary to take into account: this is nothing but a psychological defense. And who likes when they are desperately protected from him, and unconsciously, and even in a situation when it comes to possible intimacy? Yes, we understand, the girl has some problems, but her psychoanalyst must understand the reasons, and not a date on the date.
What else scares?
Of course, inadequate reactions, stunned and unexpected. For example, your companion suddenly got drunk in the trash after a pair of mojitos, and her behavior changed beyond recognition: for example, there was aggression (not even to you, at least to the waiter). This is unbearably a little more than for a hundred percent of gentlemen. And in vain the reader thinks that this is a rare phenomenon. Unable to drink ladies much more than we would like.
Or here. She has some idea of a fix or an all-consuming hobby. For example, she does not eat meat. Or do not smoke, or eight times a week doing yoga, and even sculpts clay figurines of moose.You did not know this, and there is nothing in it, but she is so involved that she begins to heal you on the subject. And then: she has the most powerful parental instinct, she gives you uninvited advice, to a half-acquaintance, even if they are wise, and based on the fact that "it is so correct." In general, immediately learns to live.
Another sticking point may be frankness in matters that are implied but do not require discussion. They tell you right off the bat that this date means nothing, that you should not count on sex or the continuation of meetings on the same day, week, month. And maybe you yourself have not had time to think about it. That is, quite noticeably, they trample over the intimate, creating awkwardness. But a rusty nail sits in Mom's head: "All men are goats, and they only need one." It is worth recalling that many women, even those who have been experienced, are unconsciously protected by such random attacks. But you don't want to be protected from you.
The opposite and the other extreme may be frank pedaling of the sexual theme, “tearing off the integument” until you had a little closer acquaintance.
Behavior in the style of "sex is not a reason for dating" rather scare away than attract on the first date. Many men, especially those who studied at school for four and five, were romantics by nature, and not just dirty animals (oh, mother, you are again!)
Excessive assertiveness is just as badly digested as complete stiffness. And, after reading the idiotic “One Hundred Ways to Smit the Male,” magazines and books with which the counter is replete, some decide to experiment in the style of “but I myself am such an alpha female.”
And the last thing that in almost 11 cases out of 10 turns back up to the desire to run away right during the change of dishes. This is the so-called "Baba Ponte". Do not blame me the fair sex in contempt and sexism! Ponts exist and peasants, even more disgusting. It is difficult without the use of complex psychological terms to describe what it is, but everyone understands when faced with this.
The “glamorous” kind of Ponte is especially annoying when the whole conversation is built around the first-line brands, the names of fashionable resorts, clubs, catering establishments with an average price tag more than the average salary and other attributes dolce vita.
There is also the opposite - the Turgenev lady with deliberately refined, in fact fairly petty-bourgeois, pseudo-philosophical reasoning.
Just wretched looks unconcealed corporate pathos in every word, stories about your favorite work, especially about trainings, brainstormings and workshops in conjunction with a pathological desire to communicate endlessly with the community
If you wish, you can isolate many varieties of this ailment, but it is important to understand: the very need to “pontovatsya” constantly excludes reciprocity with those who have no such peculiarity.
And it is naive to think that all of the above comes from stupidity, lack of taste, bad manners, or some external circumstances. At best, we have a desire to appear more beautiful, turning around with its dark side. It is much worse when such behavior and perception of others is an integral part of the person, a mask that has grown so much that it is simply impossible to understand where the person is. The saddest thing is when you really try to be frank, honest and unplayed, feeling that they are playing with you, not for the sake of achieving some result, but because this person is like that, this is the basic structure of his personality.He simply can not not play, not to imbue and manipulate. And there is nobody to blame - such a person just needs to find a similar one. By the way, you are very lucky if the contradictions, "not compatible with life," become apparent on the first date.